DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical post and commentary on current social issues; nothing in here is real or to be taken seriously aside from the original screenshot. Don’t be a douchebag.
Yesterday was March 8, 2020: International Women’s Day. I woke up in the morning, only to find myself greeted by the following, ever-magical message waiting for me in my Instagram DMs:
… I am so #blessed.
I, like every other woman on the planet, have been waiting for a message like this my entire life. I feel so seen…
In fact, the sender’s proposal was so enlightened that I simply had to write this short guide today so that other men may also see success like he did this morning.
His knowledge about women, especially queer ones, is beyond profound…
Fortunately for him, I’ll be keeping his identity anonymous so that he doesn’t have to worry about young women spamming his DMs with sugar-themed proposals of their own.
He’s mine, ladies.
How to Turn an Instagram Woman You Don’t Even Know Into Your Very Own Sugar Baby:
- It’s mandatory that the woman you’re messaging is much younger than you (thirty years at the very least), and that you don’t have permission to message her; this is the ultimate recipe for smoothness. Also, ensure that you’re an absolute stranger to her. Do you follow her, but keep your account on private such that she knows absolutely nothing about you? If your answer is yes, then you’re already on the right track!
- Be sure that your wording is smooth and eloquent. Your first sentence, should you so decide to invoke basic grammatical structure (*coughs* amateur), must include a vague attempt at a compliment about her work and, of course, a profession of your true and everlasting love for her. This isn’t the time or place for hellos, how are yous, or whatever other passive techniques your Google search may have told you to apply here. This is the only way.
- Bring up money, and do it quickly. Your halfhearted compliment and declaration of true love was the warm-up; she’ll already be all eased into the concept of you as an existing and elusive human being by the time she’s done reading that first section; furthermore, she’ll likely be swept away by the sheer romance of it all. Now, do what any other logical person would do and bring up money! This is always the best way to make a woman feel wanted and, in turn, human. So, without first learning her boundaries (because this isn’t amateur hour), let her know that you’re willing to pay good money for her body without actually using the word “body” in the text [so that you don’t “objectify” her, whatever that means]. Instead, swap it out for another word, like “time,” and assume she won’t know what you actually mean. In fact, take solace in the fact that your smooth moves will likely make her brain hurt if she, for whatever reason, attempts to dissect them. You are a genius, after all.
- Before hitting that send button, check the date. Is it International Women’s Day? If so, send away! But if not, be sure to wait; you don’t want to strike on a day when feminist sentiments aren’t extra heightened. That’ll only hurt your chances.
- And now… you wait. But, fear not! There’s absolutely no way she won’t reply to your charming message, let alone block you and share your DM in a blog post.