David Bailey once stated, “When I die, I want to go to Vogue.”
Dude… me too.
Once I’ve taken in my allotted fill of earthly editions of Vogue (for which I am ever-grateful), I absolutely have to pass into the hands of “the Vogue Afterlife.”
I’d like to think I’ve earned it by now. I run a fashion blog. I catwalk everywhere [even around Target]. I’ve been told I have strong eyebrow and winged eyeliner game since I was a teenager. When I contour, I blend. These days, I remove my makeup before bed. I worship matte.
I’ve kept gym shoes far, far away from my daily outfits since late childhood, I’ve never worn Crocs, and I compose outfits dripping with irony [but in a rather chic manner].
Oh, and I’ve never actually used the term “jorts”. Well, okay. I used it right there – but that was only to make a point.
That was the first and the last time… I swear.
Anyways – I think I may deserve to go to Vogue Afterlife when all is said and done.
And I know for a fact that you will too.
Plus, I hear it’s lit. In fact, it follows the nine-ringed Hell format Dante Alighieri wrote about in the highly revered Divine Comedy [but each of the circles of Vogue Afterlife has non-“sinful” content matter instead].
- 1st Circle: Jimmy Choo
- 2nd Circle: Alexander McQueen
- 3rd Circle: Tom Ford
- 4th Circle: Armani
- 5th Circle: Saint Laurent
- 6th Circle: Calvin Klein
- 7th Circle: Gucci
- 8th Circle: Chanel
- 9th Circle: Ralph Lauren
For those of you who may not know much about Dante’s adventures in the Divine Comedy, the entire poem consists of three parts: Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso. In the magnificent Inferno, Dante journeys through Hell (Dante’s Hell is located directly beneath Jerusalem). He is led by Virgil, the renowned Roman poet.
During his journey through Hell, he works his way from the outermost ring to the innermost one. As he moves through the circles and closer to the core, the torment of Hell’s once-human subjects grows.
Dante’s “Circles of Hell” are as follows:
- 1st Circle: Limbo
- 2nd Circle: Lust
- 3rd Circle: Gluttony
- 4th Circle: Greed
- 5th Circle: Wrath
- 6th Circle: Heresy
- 7th Circle: Violence
- 8th Circle: Fraud
- 9th Circle: Treachery
This is how the sins were ordered by Dante: the 1st Circle was the least severe, and the 9th Circle was the most. Beyond the 9th Circle was the “Centre of Hell”, where the Devil was kept for his betrayal of “God” himself [as dictated by ancient lore].
Thankfully, Vogue Afterlife eliminated any type of hierarchical order and allotted floors to each designer randomly. Furthermore, rather than being filled with great evil, Vogue Afterlife contains only the beauty of haute couture. On each level, there’s actually unlimited product from each designer, distributed in the nine, never-ending expanses. So yes, the Afterlife is that blessed.
But I’ll be honest. Even though each circle is filled with goodness, they’re not fully liberated of earthly torment – these designer products are still expensive even when you’ve passed on to Vogue.
The “fashionable dead” discount helps, but you can still hear excessive wailing from price torment in the distance. The escalator between Alexander McQueen and Tom Ford is also down for maintenance, so there’s some correspondingly disgruntled spirits roaming around with tired arms and legs.
There will probably be more floors and corresponding brand installments to come, but right now, the underworld permit only allows Satan to go nine levels underground.
The ultimate goal is for our dearest Devil to have all of his favorite designers in-house – unlike historical texts dictate, he thoroughly enjoys sharing the love. We’re so lucky.
Speaking of Satan, there are plenty of those supposedly-fabled flames in Vogue Afterlife – everyone down there is so on point that they smolder the runways when they strut.
Slay on, my demons. Slay on.